Fuck the System: Make Your Own Almond Milk

Let’s get one thing straight. This country is imperfect. It lacks a lot of things other people in other countries take for granted. But that’s okay, because we get to drive in real life the way we do in GTA V and generally get away with things that are considered capital crimes in other parts of this globe. One thing I will no longer stand for however, is our supermarkets’ and fridges’ lack of almond milk.

Almond milk - “milk” derived from almonds - is one of the healthiest beverages to consume. While 100 grams of pure raw almonds will deliver nearly 600 calories (easily one of the highest per 100 grams of any kind of nut) it will also provide an astounding 20 grams of protein. Needless to say you’re never supposed to consume 100 grams of almonds at once that’s like a fuck-ton of the stuff so please don’t make me write future posts with the assumption you’re an absolute fuck up.

I digress…

Almond milk is also fantastic for vegans (yeah, those guys) and people who are lactose intolerant and cannot consume dairy products but still want the protein and healthy fats. Almond milk does not cause any risks for those with cholesterol issues as well as housing a ton of vital minerals and vitamins which linked to building muscle, cellular repair, lowering bad cholesterol, improving your mood, treating arthritis and enhancing memories among other things.

A 230 ml cup (8 oz.) of almond milk will provide you with the following:

Almond milk nutrient breakdown:

• 30-40 calories
• 2.5-3 grams of fat [Omega-3]
• 1 gram of fiber
• 1 gram of protein
• A significant source of magnesium, selenium, manganese and vitamin E.

Well that’s all well and dandy but how the fuck do I make milk out of a nut? Are you nuts?! [pun totally intended]

I’m glad you asked, confused and easily scared reader. Let’s get down to business. The below recipe makes two cups of almond milk.

Ingredients:

• 1 cup raw unsalted almonds
• 2 cups water
• Sweeteners like honey, agave syrup, or maple syrup, to taste, optional

Process:

1. Soak’em up! You need to soak your almonds overnight in an uncovered bowl for or up to two days. The longer they stay soaked the creamier the milk will turn out. The almond will become plump and squishy to touch as they absorb water over the two days. Keep them covered with about an inch or so of water.
   

   
2. Drain’em up! Now it’s time to drain the almonds from the water they were left to soak in. You need to rinse the almonds thoroughly beneath cool running water. The almonds - as mentioned in step 1 - should feel squishy if you pinch by this point in time.
3. Blend that hoe! Place the cup of almonds that was left to soak after draining and rinsing in a blender and cover with two cups of cold water.
4. Twister! Twister! First off you need to use the pulse function on your blender (most blenders have that function built in) in order to break up the almonds at first. Then you need to keep it at a continuous blend at the highest speed for roughly two minutes. The almonds should be finely grated by this point and the liquid should be opaque and white. If you are using a food processor instead of a blender, you need to keep processing for roughly four minutes while pausing in the middle to scrape the sides throughout the process to get any almonds that have escaped the wrath of the blades.
5. Strain that hoe! Line up a strainer with cheesecloth (you can ask your mom where to get that from it’s used for baking primarily) and place it over a measuring cup. Pour your almond milk mixture onto the strainer directly.
6. Press your bitch out! Gather the cheesecloth around the almond meal clumps and twist and press as hard as you can to squeeze out as much almond milk as possible. The above recipe as mentioned should dish out the equivalent of two cups of almond milk.
7. Girl you so sweet! If almond milk the way it is isn’t sweet enough for your demanding behind, add the aforementioned sweeteners to taste (honey being the #1 choice)
8. You so cold! Cold like ice! Now that you’ve made almond milk, it’s time to refrigerate in a sealed container. Enjoy your beverage!

You’re probably thinking, “Holy shit! I can make this now! It’s super easy! Why don’t I make two or three liters at a time?!”

Unfortunately almond milk doesn’t last any longer than those two days. You can of course pop it on a stove and pasteurize it to prolong shelf life but that defeats the entire purpose of making your own. My recommendation is to make amounts you know you can go through within those two days so this recipe ought to be enough for you.

Pro Tip: Do not discard the almond meal that was left behind in the cheesecloth. You can store it and use it to sprinkle onto your oats or salads (they are still almonds you know!)

Try it out and let me know how your first almond milk making experience went.