Fuck the System: Make Your Own Almond Milk

Let’s get one thing straight. This country is imperfect. It lacks a lot of things other people in other countries take for granted. But that’s okay, because we get to drive in real life the way we do in GTA V and generally get away with things that are considered capital crimes in other parts of this globe. One thing I will no longer stand for however, is our supermarkets’ and fridges’ lack of almond milk.

Almond milk - “milk” derived from almonds - is one of the healthiest beverages to consume. While 100 grams of pure raw almonds will deliver nearly 600 calories (easily one of the highest per 100 grams of any kind of nut) it will also provide an astounding 20 grams of protein. Needless to say you’re never supposed to consume 100 grams of almonds at once that’s like a fuck-ton of the stuff so please don’t make me write future posts with the assumption you’re an absolute fuck up.

I digress…

Almond milk is also fantastic for vegans (yeah, those guys) and people who are lactose intolerant and cannot consume dairy products but still want the protein and healthy fats. Almond milk does not cause any risks for those with cholesterol issues as well as housing a ton of vital minerals and vitamins which linked to building muscle, cellular repair, lowering bad cholesterol, improving your mood, treating arthritis and enhancing memories among other things.

A 230 ml cup (8 oz.) of almond milk will provide you with the following:

Almond milk nutrient breakdown:

• 30-40 calories
• 2.5-3 grams of fat [Omega-3]
• 1 gram of fiber
• 1 gram of protein
• A significant source of magnesium, selenium, manganese and vitamin E.

Well that’s all well and dandy but how the fuck do I make milk out of a nut? Are you nuts?! [pun totally intended]

I’m glad you asked, confused and easily scared reader. Let’s get down to business. The below recipe makes two cups of almond milk.

Ingredients:

• 1 cup raw unsalted almonds
• 2 cups water
• Sweeteners like honey, agave syrup, or maple syrup, to taste, optional

Process:

1. Soak’em up! You need to soak your almonds overnight in an uncovered bowl for or up to two days. The longer they stay soaked the creamier the milk will turn out. The almond will become plump and squishy to touch as they absorb water over the two days. Keep them covered with about an inch or so of water.
   

   
2. Drain’em up! Now it’s time to drain the almonds from the water they were left to soak in. You need to rinse the almonds thoroughly beneath cool running water. The almonds - as mentioned in step 1 - should feel squishy if you pinch by this point in time.
3. Blend that hoe! Place the cup of almonds that was left to soak after draining and rinsing in a blender and cover with two cups of cold water.
4. Twister! Twister! First off you need to use the pulse function on your blender (most blenders have that function built in) in order to break up the almonds at first. Then you need to keep it at a continuous blend at the highest speed for roughly two minutes. The almonds should be finely grated by this point and the liquid should be opaque and white. If you are using a food processor instead of a blender, you need to keep processing for roughly four minutes while pausing in the middle to scrape the sides throughout the process to get any almonds that have escaped the wrath of the blades.
5. Strain that hoe! Line up a strainer with cheesecloth (you can ask your mom where to get that from it’s used for baking primarily) and place it over a measuring cup. Pour your almond milk mixture onto the strainer directly.
6. Press your bitch out! Gather the cheesecloth around the almond meal clumps and twist and press as hard as you can to squeeze out as much almond milk as possible. The above recipe as mentioned should dish out the equivalent of two cups of almond milk.
7. Girl you so sweet! If almond milk the way it is isn’t sweet enough for your demanding behind, add the aforementioned sweeteners to taste (honey being the #1 choice)
8. You so cold! Cold like ice! Now that you’ve made almond milk, it’s time to refrigerate in a sealed container. Enjoy your beverage!

You’re probably thinking, “Holy shit! I can make this now! It’s super easy! Why don’t I make two or three liters at a time?!”

Unfortunately almond milk doesn’t last any longer than those two days. You can of course pop it on a stove and pasteurize it to prolong shelf life but that defeats the entire purpose of making your own. My recommendation is to make amounts you know you can go through within those two days so this recipe ought to be enough for you.

Pro Tip: Do not discard the almond meal that was left behind in the cheesecloth. You can store it and use it to sprinkle onto your oats or salads (they are still almonds you know!)

Try it out and let me know how your first almond milk making experience went.

Pancakes: The All-Time Naughty Breakfast Favorite (Or does it have to be?)

Pancakes. Who doesn’t love the ever living shit out of a goddamn pancake? If you’ve raised your hand to indicate being such a person, please exit my blog and never visit it again. Then proceed to hang yourself from the gonads, because we don’t need your filthy genes in the gene pool.

Now that we’ve got that settled, back to our main topic. Pancakes. We all love them. Sadly for any who wants to be fit, they’re not exactly known for their muscle building/fat burning qualities. They’re sugary, heavy and we often go the extra mile of covering them with syrup and butter, because why the fuck not? If I’m clogging my goddamn arteries, I might as well be a bona fide artist at it, right?

Lucky for you youngling, I’m about to introduce you to one pancake recipe you can actually enjoy tomorrow morning that won’t only NOT add onto your expanding waistline, it may as well help you lose fat and pack on some muscle while you’re at it too!

Ingredients:

• 6 egg whites
• 1 banana
• 50 ml skimmed milk or almond milk (or zero sugar soy milk if you like that foul-tasting crap - which you can find in Gourmet or major chain supermarkets) Note: Ideally, this recipe would utilize sugar free almond milk, but since we live in a country where your only option to drink almond milk is to make your own, we’ll switch out to local ingredients for convenience’s sake. But lo and behold I've taught you how to make you own if you think it's worth it to really get the recipe just perfect!
• ½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 5 tablespoons flaked oats - my recommended brand is  Emco’s Flacons D’Avoine and you can find it in damn near any supermarket around the cereal section in Cairo. If you have access to Quinoa from abroad it'd be fantastic as well since it's gluten-free.
• 1 tablespoon of honey (I prefer Royal jelly honey - most brands are the same, Isis, Vitrac it doesn't really matter)

Process:

• Separate the yolk from the white of your eggs (you can discard the yolk or choose to use it for something else if you are baking for instance!)
• Mix all the above ingredients in a blender or food processor until the desired pancake mix consistency has been achieved.
• Add on a sauce pan on your stove on low heat (just like you would an omelette or normal pancake mix) until it cooks
• Keep dishing out those bad boys and stack’em up on your plate

Bonus Tip: You can dice up strawberries, bananas or kiwis to add atop your pancakes to add more vitamins, anti-oxidants and fibers. You can also add almonds, pistachios or cashews to taste. Seasoned kitchen veterans can also add a tablespoon of nut butter into the blender to ensure that nutty taste becomes part of every bite.

Additionally, you can make some high protein sauce for your pancakes using whey protein. All you need is to mix one scoop of whey protein (preferably Optimum Nutrition’s Gold Standard chocolate flavor - or any flavor you prefer, it’s your dish goddamit) with 50 ml of skimmed milk/almond milk (or the zero sugar soy milk) and heat in the microwave under high power for 20-30 seconds and voila! You now have some high protein (roughly 24-30 grams of protein) sauce syrup to garnish your high protein pancakes.

Personally, I think it’d be a crime if you don’t work your ass off in the gym or the track right after enjoying this beauty. Your body’s now loaded with complex carbs and a ton of protein; creating the optimal condition for you to dish out some exercises and sweat it up.

Let me know how it tastes and comment below with your own healthy twist or additions you can think of to make it even tastier (and healthier)