The Bouncing Yo-Yo That Is You: Weight Fluctuations

Well look at you. You've done it. You've conquered your lazy fuck of an alter-ego and managed to get that cellulite-infested tushy off the couch, away from the screen showing repeat episodes of Game of Thrones and committed yourself into adopting a healthier and more active lifestyle.

Except oh wait look at that those two kilos you thought you'd shanked off of you last week seemed to have come back. With a vengeance I might add. Now I'm not talking about a plateau here, I'm talking the scale is showing you going up in numbers despite your more than humble efforts in the gym and in the kitchen.

Overwhelmed by confusion, you try to re-visit your actions over the past week. Was it the extra banana you decided to gorge on thinking that fruits are kosher? Was it your mother secretly rubbing butter all over your steamed broccoli, which would also explain why you could suddenly swallow broccoli without feeling repulsed? Was it perhaps invisible calories floating in the air? Can breathing make you fatter? Should I stop breathing?

You, my friend, are merely a victim to ignorance. You see, a big part of the whole taking the reins in regards to fitness and overall wellness is research and more research. You need to learn a great deal about the human body and its intricate complex network of inner workings in order to truly prepare yourself for the inevitable fact that comes crashing against everyone just like that wave that destroyed the pathetic excuse of a sandcastle you built as a child during that one time your parents decided they could feign being happy together enough to drag the entire family on an uncomfortable road trip to some godforsaken overcrowded smelly beach for a week where you'd endure nothing but mosquito bites, mediocre food, odd family gatherings and sun burns. Ah, to be young again...

I digress.

Your problem is that you're awfully focused on a number. Not just a number that you hope to reach, but the concept of numbers itself. Scales are about as good an indicator of overall fitness as tigers are experts in the field of vegan cuisine. The story they tell you is contorted, if at all true. Scales do not account for the amount of muscles you have gained. They can't tell the difference between bone, fat and muscle. They can't tell you if those two kilos you've gain are split evenly among 300 grams of new muscle mass, a one-kilogram poop currently held up inside your rectum and 700 grams of water weight. A scale can give you a number that is as representative of who you are as that Gothic phase you adopted during high school speaks to who you are as a person. (Editor's note: This analogy only works so long as you had decided to drop the Gothic alter ego from your life by the time you got to college or later on, and if you hadn't, well...I'm sorry for all the anger?)

Weight fluctuations are a very natural part of the life-long fitness journey we're all meant to embark onto. People who maintain a solid figure year-round are those whose lives revolve around that very concept. Their livelihood depends on it, they're sponsored athletes who must be at certain numbers depending on whether or not they're in contest-season. You on the other hand are a college student or someone with a 9-to-5 to job. You don't compete in contests that demand you fulfill a certain number in order to represent under a specific weight class or category.

You're someone with a higher calling. You're someone who wants to be the best possible version of themselves despite of all the odds of modern life and her temptations stacking up against them. Professional athletes have impressive physiques, but I'd say a more impressive feat is maintaining that resolve and sticking it out without being a sponsored athlete whose sole occupation is to workout and eat right.

Me and my pops tearing it up in the gym

What I'm trying to say is this. Relax. It's not a quick stop till you hit a goal weight then unwind. This is a life long commitment. A commitment to always being active and treating your body the way it deserves. Think of it this way, you can have a Mercedes S-500, but if you pump that sweet motherfucker full of diesel, all you're going to end up with is a very expensive car-shaped paper weight. You give it the 95-grade fuel it deserves, and it'll take you places. Your body is the same way. Wholesome nutrition and proper exercise transform your body into an entity that will take care of you down the line just as you have taken care of it.

Weight fluctuations mean nothing if your eyes are really focused on the prize; to be better than you were yesterday.

10 Tips To Help You Shred Off Blubber

Instead of the classic article/feature style I usually bestow upon you I figured that since 99% of my readers are probably inflicted with ADD it’s perhaps best if I switch to a bullet point format every now and then so your feeble minds can keep up.

Today I’ll be dishing out 10 tips for the average fitness rookie in terms of nutrition that can help you actively be on your way to torch off your body’s stored fat reserves. Keep in mind this is all supplemented by an active lifestyle which includes regular physical training at least three times a week for no less than 30 minutes per session. Here goes…

1. Organic Vs. Factory Produce

Yes they maybe a bit heavier on your wallet but not all foods are created equal. Mass produced meat, dairy and even veggies/fruits often undergo processes which aim to cut down on the time it takes for them to reach levels at which they’re ready for sale. This usually means cutting corners as well as the liberal tampering with genetics in order to produce more faster. Organic foods often contain substantially higher amounts of healthy micronutrients, more vitamins, and more goodness. Organic meat means that the bovines from which it was produced were probably grass-fed, had space to walk around and exercise their muscles - resulting in better meat that actually contains up to 70% more Omega-3 fatty acids. As long as you can pay the rent, feed the cat and still have enough change to go to the movies on weekends, your switch to organic bought food won’t be as financially detrimental as you think. Sources for organic foods in Cairo include Gourmet, Makar Farms and interestingly enough, Army outlets (they produce veggies/fruits/dairy/meats all of which is organically grown!)

2. Go For the Complex Carbs

I’ve discussed before the benefit of complex carbs over simple ones. Simple carbs trigger a spike in your insulin hormone, which is the main hormone responsible for regulating fat storage in the body. Get your insulin levels peaking beyond a certain point, and BAM, all those lovely carbs you’re gorging on were just instructed by your body to be transformed into fat for storage. Complex carbs on the other hand are excellent pre-workout food choices due to their ability to deliver energy in a sustainable manner throughout your workout and not leading to a spike in insulin and in so, avoiding the crash! Complex Carbs include sweet potatoes, potatoes, whole grains (bread/rice/pasta), legumes, oatmeals and a wide variety of vegetables. Drop the croissant and munch on that sweet potato buddy!

3. Egg it Up

Various research studies have proven that the consumption of eggs in your breakfast meal lowers your overall caloric intake throughout the day. And they’re goddamn right at it too! Eggs are one of the most complete-protein foods out there, meaning they contain all the essential amino acids required by the body for the building of muscle tissue as well as promoting satiation and curbing hunger. You can have it boiled, scrambled, sunny side up or benedit - just skip the butter!

4. Gorge On Blubber (the good kind!)

It may seem counterproductive at first, but it’s vital for you to understand that not all fat is created equal. There is good fat and bad fat just like there are good carbs and bad carbs. Good fats are usually monounsaturated and are commonly not stored in the body but used for energy instead. Those can be found in damn near every fish in the sea (think salmon!), avocados, extra virgin olive oil, peanut butter and nuts among other sources. So long as you keep your overall fat intake under 30% of your overall caloric intake (unless you’re a powerlifter), ingesting good fats as an integral part of your diet can actually help you burn off stored fat.

5. The Only Way to Go is Pro

Pro for Protein. As discussed up there with the eggs bit, protein is one macronutrient that promotes satiation, meaning that it curbs hunger and makes you - and your filthy brain - feeling fuller for longer. Ingesting a high protein diet (think 40% of overall intake) puts your body in a hypertrophy mode (muscle building) which in turns burns fat for energy. The increased consumption of protein has been directly linked with the increase in specific hormones that actively control hunger levels. Just make sure you’re ingesting quality protein from varied sources which include poultry, beef (although not as often), fish, legumes, nuts and dairy. Avoid the canned stuff, it’s low quality over-salted mass produced shit. And no, hot dogs are not proper protein. Neither are nuggets. 

6. Green Doesn’t Always Stand for the Environment

Vegetables ought to be a much bigger part of your life. You know how many ingredients go into my average salad? 17. That doesn’t even count the protein or spices/condiments I add on there. There is certainly no shortage of diversity of vegetables in Egypt. We’re blessed with the fact that in 2014, street vendors are still ferrying off the produce from local farms as opposed to trucks unloading it into supermarkets from mass production plantations. Make sure a large percentage of your carbohydrate intake comes from vegetables to reap the benefit of complex carbs, fibers, minerals and vitamins. A salad ought to resemble a painting, an explosion of color and a celebration of life, and then drizzle some balsamic vinegar on that bitch!

7. Going Nuts Doesn’t Always Mean You’re Going Crazy

Nuts are notable high in fat. But it’s good fat! That being said, that doesn’t mean you’re free to consume a kilogram of almonds undeterred. They’re still quite high in calories but they do make exceptionally good snacks/meal additives and can help curb off hunger just as much as protein can. Think a handful (dozen) mixed nuts with a side of fruit/dairy as a midday snack between meals or a dozen nuts sprinkled atop your salad for some added protein. Try and go for the raw unsalted variety which you can purchase at nuts stores (I buy mine from مقلة صلاح الدين  on Merghani st. next to Seif Pharmacy for instance and they carry raw unsalted almonds, raw unsalted cashews, unsalted roasted peanuts and unsalted roast walnuts among other things)

8. Drop The Sweets

Seems like the obvious thing to do but don’t be thinking generic candy here. Your fancy ass latte from Starbucks which you slam against your face before work can be easily adding 200-400 calories to your day and you’re not even aware of it. For some reason, most of us don’t consider liquids as containing calories, perhaps because we drink water - which has zero calories - so we assume that applies to anything else that’s not a solid. On that note, milk is not a goddamn beverage it’s a fucking meal item. Easy on that shit son.

9. Turn Your Insides Into a Swimming Pool

I ain’t talking about that eight cups of water a day shit. I’m talking three to five liters of water every day. Despite you feeling otherwise, you’re mostly water. Water that can walk and talk. So sort of like a reverse thing from what Jesus did, except not at all the same, but I digress. My point being, you ought to be drinking water every hour on the hour as long as you’re awake. Yes, that will mean a trip to the little girls’ room every 30 minutes or so, but your kidneys, brain, digestion, immunity and muscle repair functions will be eternally grateful. Consuming water 30 minutes before your meals can also facilitate digestion and lessen your overall caloric intake. Always leave your home with a nice 1.5 liters bottle at hand and whenever you’re out, skip the Pepsi and go for some H2O.

10. Spice! Spice baby!

Spice your damn food! Don’t be a flavorless fool! Look ma’ I made rhymes! I’m not talking about your pathetic salt and pepper shakers either. I’m talking chili powder, ginger powder, cumin, cinnamon, paprika, oregano, thyme, black seeds, crushed mint, mustard seeds, mixed spices and anything else you want to thrown on there. Spices that actively regulate your hormones, help increase your body’s ability to blast belly fat as well as make something as inedible as tuna become delicious!

Bonus Tip: An Apple A Day...

The old adage didn’t come out of thin air you know, apples are really a superfood, as they contain chemicals known as polyphenols which have been found to boost muscle strength, endurance, and even fat loss, especially around the abdominal region. But apples alone can get a bit boring, fruits ought to be as much a part of your diet as vegetables and protein are. Grapefruit, banana, strawberries, pears, grapes, cantaloupe, kiwis, dates and many more (although not all at once you bad boy you!) can provide your body with a steady stream of fibers, minerals, vitamins and a healthy sugar rush!

I hope this has been somewhat helpful for you, if anything to give you some basic pointers about what you should be doing and what you should be avoiding. Bonne chance!

Cheat Meals: What’s the deal yo?

You’ll notice that the title reads “Cheat MEALS” not “Cheat Days”. If you hadn’t, you are now acutely aware of it.

Nutrition is 80% of this whole fitness thing, in case you didn’t know that already. Exercise is merely the trigger, but the actual outcome is shaped largely by the foods you eat. Cheat meals ought to be a planned part of your nutrition and diet plan. The trick with utilizing cheat meals, in addition to the psychological benefit of gorging, is understanding how they really work and how they can actually be a positive aid in your fitness regime.

Let’s do some quick sciencing for your young minds first shall we?

Fact: You have a hormone in your body known as “Leptin” which has an integral role in regulating energy intake and expenditure. Leptin is largely fueled by the influx of sugars and carbohydrates into the bloodstream and directly boosts metabolism and fat burning in the body. Now that I mention that, it’s important to get back to the original point of it being a cheat meal rather than a cheat day. Leptin is a hormone that takes a single meal to spike its levels in the body and can take up to a week to drop; meaning that’s it’s easy to boost and remains with you for a while. Leptin is so important in fact, that people (or animals) who are unable to produce it or build up a tolerance to it are more likely to be obese!

This is Leptin. Say Hi Leptin! [Image source: Wikipedia]

You see, your nutrition should be clean 90% of the time in order to really supply your body with quality ingredients that end up producing desired results on account of your fitness regimen. Eating too much “junk” food would however result in a spiked insulin that can lead to increased fat storage and a heap of other ailments which can include diabetes on the long run. That’s the real trick in relation to cheat meals, it’s about giving it a boost every now and then so that you’re not constantly causing a spike in Leptin which would only result in increased tolerance and decreased efficiency.

Cheat meals, a once a day - once or twice a week - occurrence on the other hand, end up regulating your Leptin levels - which can take up to a week to drop - by raising them almost instantly. So this should be part of your nutrition arsenal, once or twice a week, in one of your day’s four to five meals, you should include something sinful, but don’t get too excited.

You see, a cheat meal, while a moment of indulgence that puts your mind at ease as much as it does your Leptin levels, does not necessarily have to mean that’s junk food. The trick with cheat meals is eating stuff that still provide some nutritional benefit of sorts. Think burgers, pizza or shawerma, just make sure it ticks off all the boxes in terms of the proteins, carbs and fats ratios so that you’re not just stuffing your face with a chocolate cake that - while absolutely delicious - isn’t doing you much benefit past the indulgence bit. Another thing to take into consideration is the quality of your cheat meal, have your burger, absolutely, but you should skip out on the fries. This ties back to the concept of benefit I just mentioned. French fries serve little nutritional benefit, I’d rather you eat sweet potato fries - but do try and skip on fried foods altogether is possible or at least make them yourself instead of going out to eat them or using processed pre-packaged versions.

[Image source: Twitter]

Plan your cheat meals ahead. Make them a joyous occasion. They are a reward for the mind as much as they are for the body. Two weeks ago, my cheat meal was a double burger from Mince with a side of sweet potato and a salad. The week after it was two shawerma sandwiches, this week it was 450 grams of sirloin steak with similar sides. Next week I’m planning to make tacos with shredded chicken and the whole Mexican shebang!

Cheal meals can be a powerful weapon in your arsenal, suffice that you understand how they work, their psychological and biological importance, and how you can utilize them for your benefit.

Oh, and do try and place them on the day of the week you’re actually working out you tub of lard.

Recipe of the day: Baked Oatmeal In a Mug

We’ve all been there. Your alarm was being a pissy little bitch and it didn’t ring loud enough, didn’t ring hard enough or just flat out didn’t ring at all. You’re now late for whatever the shit it was you were waking up for. Alas, you don’t have time for the spruce goose of a breakfast you usually make before you head out but you’ll be damned to Satan’s butthole before you leave your home on an empty stomach (that’s just like a fitness 101 no no)

So now you have to figure out a way to make a healthy and nutritious breakfast that doesn’t actually need a lot of prepping with its ingredients basically lying in front of you on the kitchen counters while you scurry to brush your teeth, scrub your balls and put on your pants simultaneously.

What do you do? What do you do? You make yourself some oatmeal-in-a-mug!

What you’ll need:

• ½ cup oat flakes
• ½ of an apple, chopped (preferably red)
• ½ of a banana, mashed
• 1 tbsp ground flax/chia seed
• 1 whole egg
• ½ cup skimmed milk OR ½ cup Rayeb
• ¼ tsp ground cinnamon powder
• 2 tsp honey
• 1 medium sized microwave safe mug

What you’re going to have to do:

• Add the oats, milk, seeds and egg [for fuck’s sake not with the shell] to the mug
• Whisk all ingredients in the mug using a fork until they’ve all blended
• Add the banana mash, honey and ground cinnamon powder
• Whisk again until all ingredients are well blended
• Place in microwave on high power for 2-3 minutes
• Fluff it out using the fork
• Garnish with a handful of diced strawberries/blueberries/almonds
• Enjoy your on-the-go breakfast!

That ought to hit your system with a good dose of proteins, complex carbs, healthy fats, antioxidants, vitamins and fiber to really get your day kicking off to a good start; missing your appointment aside.

Hope you like it!

Mythbusting: Spot Reduction

“I want to just shed the fat off my belly or my hips but definitely don’t want my breasts to be affected or get smaller!”

I can’t even remember how many times I heard this sentence. That seems to be one of the most common misconceptions in the realm of fitness. People assume the human body is a tweakable entity that can be controlled down to spot reduction details. News flash girls and boys, the only spot reduction in real life comes from the scalpel of a plastic surgeon.

Most people think that if they run or cycle or do whatever, they can consciously target the body part they wish for reduction or fat loss. Sadly for you, the human body does not operate based on your whims and desires. It is a cold, calculating machine and it differs from man to woman. For instance, in the case of women, the majority store fat in the hips, it’s just how your genetic code is wired, and therefore, it is usually the last place where you end up losing the fat. As far as men are concerned, losing abdominal fat will always prove to be the hardest task on account of the fact it’s the male body’s place of choice for blubber storage.

Your extremities (arms, legs, face) are usually the parts to shed off fat the first then your body works more towards your center as your progress. Sure there are things you can do to help it do everything at once such as exercises that have your entire body moving (think swimming or rowing) but at the end of the day, it’s up to your body’s discretion to discard fat.

Fat loss also works different from one person to another depending on their body type with some people shedding it off with considerable ease while others find it somewhat of a Herculean task to do so. Your genetics play a major role in that process but saying you have bad genes and just accepting it is just being a lazy bum. I have shit genes. One grain of rice would show up on me as fat within hours of consumption. So I learn not to eat rice. You learn how to work with your genes (not against them!) because otherwise you’d be fighting an uphill battle against your very nature.

That being said, spot reduction is usually perceived from the wrong end of the spectrum, most through the fat loss lens. But what if you could change a specific spot on your body? Despite what I said up there, it is somewhat possible to target specific areas, but it won’t be cardiovascular training that does it alone; it’s weightlifting baby. Weight lifting, and specifically a good combo between compound and isolation exercises, can help target specific muscles in the human body. Muscle building directly correlates with boosted metabolism and consequently; improved fat burning.

Simply said, if you’re aiming to shed off the pounds from your hips and thighs, then girlfriend you best be ready to do some serious lifting on legs day with barbell squats, leg extensions, leg curls, deadlifts and adductor/abductor workouts. And for fuck’s sake, stop worrying about “getting bulky” if you’re a girl. Shit don’t work like that. You end up looking toned and fit, not manly. Unless you do steroids, but that’s a different story.

Compound exercises (think squats, deadlifts and bench presses) are arguably best for instigating overall fat loss and releasing growth hormone in the body (which contributes to increased metabolism/fat burning) while Isolation exercises are perhaps the right choice for smaller muscle groups to which you’d like to dedicate focus. For instance, if you’re a lady suffering from a case of flappy chicken arms where your triceps ought to be, you might want to consider incorporating triceps extensions and triceps pulldowns as a regular part of your upper body/arms day workout. Weights help tone your body, they help stretch the skin so it doesn’t look flappy and help boost metabolism and fat burning.

That’s it from me today on the ridiculous myth of spot reduction. Get crackin’!

Death to Your God: Stop Letting The Scale Control Your Life

Let’s get one thing clear here. 99.99% of you hold the weight scale as an indicator of progress/failure around your fitness routine. 99.99% of you are bonafide morons. Yes, we’re going tough love on the blog. It’s the only thing that’ll work at this point.

Fun fact: The human body is composed of bones, fat tissues, muscles, organs, liquids, probably some poop, more liquids and a few other ingredients thrown in for good measure.

Want to know what the only thing the scale shows you? All of it. A combined number of all of that. Want to know what the only thing you’re seeing when you look at the scale? Fat.

The human brain is ridiculous like that, it sees what it wants to see, and for some reason we’ve become hard wired to read those numbers as connoting only to fat. Our brain conveniently forgets we’re made of muscles and bone and only sees the number as indication of fat content. And my God we’re fat. So fat. I better put in three more hours on the treadmill yo! That shit won’t burn itself!

Yes, there are scales that can measure your body mass by content, it can tell you how much fat % you’ve got in relation to your muscle %, but you won’t find those in your average gyms and certainly not in your bathrooms so for the purpose of this article, those scales don’t exist.

And neither should yours.

Your perception of fitness progress/failure should not center around those three or two digits on the scale simply because it does not account for actual progress unless you’re an obese 140-kilogram man who’s got more fat in him than a slap stick of butter; in which case those numbers decreasing is good news for your heart and bad news for your heart doctor.

Your progress indicators should pertain to things you feel and see. Like what, you ask? Well, for starters…

• How long you can go on the treadmill before panting out of breath and succumbing to the sweet sweaty embrace of death
• How much heavier you can lift and how much you’ve progressed in that department since you started working out
• How your clothes feel looser and that your belt needs more tightening
• How your friends are family are commenting on how different you look
• How you see yourself in the mirror

The scale and its fancy digitized numbers can’t tell you any of that. All they can tell you is that you weight XX and you’re shit out of luck if you’d know how much % of that is fat or muscle.

This is a personal plea to stop letting gym and bathroom scales run your life and lead your progress. Did you step on the scale today and it said you’re one kilogram heavier even though you trained your balls off yesterday and were eating like an Olympian athlete? Have you considered the fact that you drink water which actually weighs something? Ever heard of water retention? Did you know your poop can weigh a substantial amount? Hell, your farts can actually weigh enough to tip off the scale by 300 grams sometimes!

Another negative aspect of focusing on the weight scale is in relation to those who take up weight lifting concurrently as part of a program to get fit (which includes fat loss) relates to muscle gain. Your weight scale - unless specialized - cannot tell you if those increasing numbers on the scale are muscle or fat, only you can tell that by seeing the difference on your physique.

My point is, you are more than a few digits on a screen. Your progress is not and cannot be limited by what you see on that contraption. Your progress is defined by you and no one else. You can run faster now, you’re stronger now, you need to buy smaller clothes, you look better, you feel better and you’re healthier; and your scale can’t tell you about any of it.

Fuck the System: Make Your Own Almond Milk

Let’s get one thing straight. This country is imperfect. It lacks a lot of things other people in other countries take for granted. But that’s okay, because we get to drive in real life the way we do in GTA V and generally get away with things that are considered capital crimes in other parts of this globe. One thing I will no longer stand for however, is our supermarkets’ and fridges’ lack of almond milk.

Almond milk - “milk” derived from almonds - is one of the healthiest beverages to consume. While 100 grams of pure raw almonds will deliver nearly 600 calories (easily one of the highest per 100 grams of any kind of nut) it will also provide an astounding 20 grams of protein. Needless to say you’re never supposed to consume 100 grams of almonds at once that’s like a fuck-ton of the stuff so please don’t make me write future posts with the assumption you’re an absolute fuck up.

I digress…

Almond milk is also fantastic for vegans (yeah, those guys) and people who are lactose intolerant and cannot consume dairy products but still want the protein and healthy fats. Almond milk does not cause any risks for those with cholesterol issues as well as housing a ton of vital minerals and vitamins which linked to building muscle, cellular repair, lowering bad cholesterol, improving your mood, treating arthritis and enhancing memories among other things.

A 230 ml cup (8 oz.) of almond milk will provide you with the following:

Almond milk nutrient breakdown:

• 30-40 calories
• 2.5-3 grams of fat [Omega-3]
• 1 gram of fiber
• 1 gram of protein
• A significant source of magnesium, selenium, manganese and vitamin E.

Well that’s all well and dandy but how the fuck do I make milk out of a nut? Are you nuts?! [pun totally intended]

I’m glad you asked, confused and easily scared reader. Let’s get down to business. The below recipe makes two cups of almond milk.

Ingredients:

• 1 cup raw unsalted almonds
• 2 cups water
• Sweeteners like honey, agave syrup, or maple syrup, to taste, optional

Process:

1. Soak’em up! You need to soak your almonds overnight in an uncovered bowl for or up to two days. The longer they stay soaked the creamier the milk will turn out. The almond will become plump and squishy to touch as they absorb water over the two days. Keep them covered with about an inch or so of water.
   

   
2. Drain’em up! Now it’s time to drain the almonds from the water they were left to soak in. You need to rinse the almonds thoroughly beneath cool running water. The almonds - as mentioned in step 1 - should feel squishy if you pinch by this point in time.
3. Blend that hoe! Place the cup of almonds that was left to soak after draining and rinsing in a blender and cover with two cups of cold water.
4. Twister! Twister! First off you need to use the pulse function on your blender (most blenders have that function built in) in order to break up the almonds at first. Then you need to keep it at a continuous blend at the highest speed for roughly two minutes. The almonds should be finely grated by this point and the liquid should be opaque and white. If you are using a food processor instead of a blender, you need to keep processing for roughly four minutes while pausing in the middle to scrape the sides throughout the process to get any almonds that have escaped the wrath of the blades.
5. Strain that hoe! Line up a strainer with cheesecloth (you can ask your mom where to get that from it’s used for baking primarily) and place it over a measuring cup. Pour your almond milk mixture onto the strainer directly.
6. Press your bitch out! Gather the cheesecloth around the almond meal clumps and twist and press as hard as you can to squeeze out as much almond milk as possible. The above recipe as mentioned should dish out the equivalent of two cups of almond milk.
7. Girl you so sweet! If almond milk the way it is isn’t sweet enough for your demanding behind, add the aforementioned sweeteners to taste (honey being the #1 choice)
8. You so cold! Cold like ice! Now that you’ve made almond milk, it’s time to refrigerate in a sealed container. Enjoy your beverage!

You’re probably thinking, “Holy shit! I can make this now! It’s super easy! Why don’t I make two or three liters at a time?!”

Unfortunately almond milk doesn’t last any longer than those two days. You can of course pop it on a stove and pasteurize it to prolong shelf life but that defeats the entire purpose of making your own. My recommendation is to make amounts you know you can go through within those two days so this recipe ought to be enough for you.

Pro Tip: Do not discard the almond meal that was left behind in the cheesecloth. You can store it and use it to sprinkle onto your oats or salads (they are still almonds you know!)

Try it out and let me know how your first almond milk making experience went.